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Daryya

Daryya

I grew up with a narcissistic mother. Up until my father was present, she used to celebrate Christmas, Easter, birthday’s and attend many child-friendly events. Unfortunately, my mother did all in her power to cut contact between me and my father.

Now, years later when I am finally grown-up is— I don’t speak to my mother and I have  reconnected my father. When I  was a child my father did all that he could to take her into his custody and provide her with a better life. But unfortunately, the brutal truth is — courts in the Western parts of the world prefer mothers over fathers.

The last birthday I  celebrated with her father was when I  was 9 years old, since then my mother has made no effort to celebrate my birthdays. She usually made an excuse such as:

“Your father is not paying me enough so therefore we won’t be celebrating anything from now on…”

The funny thing is that my parents separated when I was an infant and since then my mother had over 6 relationships. Yes, I had had too many stepfathers. Somehow, even with the support of the stepfather, her wider family, her mother’s job my  mother was unable to buy me  a present or just take me out to a cinema. 

My mother had all the resources to provide me  with a “semi-happy” childhood, instead, she focused on herself. And that’s what narcissistic mother’s do. They think only about themselves:

  • They lack empathy.
  • They are self-centred.
  • They are passive aggressive.
  • They gaslight and guilt-trip you.

My mother was always also very jealous of me. Jealous that my father could provide and give me more than she can. So instead of promoting the relationship, she tried to erase him from her life. By doing so she destroyed my childhood.

During my adolescence, I developed various mental health issues and had severe troubles socializing with others. I believed that love is conditional. I had many toxic relationships when I  was a teenager. I already had my first “boyfriend” when she was just 12. I constantly sought love, approval from others. The boys used me a lot and I was bullied at school.

When I  was 13, I  was slapped by one of my  “boyfriends” after not wanting to give him a blow job. Later, he spread rumours about me — and I was known at school as a “whore”.

You see, because of her narcissistic mother I became a “people-pleaser”, I lost my own sense of identity. After all those years in my mother’s care, I had to meet the needs and wishes of my mother first, and in order to receive “attention”.

For years I battled (and still am) with insecurity. I neglected my own needs and wishes: I  was talented at painting — she stopped; I was a good swimmer, my father taught me — but my mother never took her to swim; I wrote stories and poems — my mother ripped them to pieces.

I felt like I was a burden to others and that I DON’T deserve to be loved and cared for. At times I was suicidal and started self-harming myself when I was 12.

All this neglect, emotional and psychological abuse has made me question everything, everyone around me. At times I avoided people just because I was scared of losing people — so why even create attachments — when everyone is likely to leave me anyway?

On other occasions I chased everyone to be my friend, to play with me, comfort me and ultimately love me. 

I was unable to speak my mind, nor form an opinion of my own. All of my opinions were my mothers. If I challenged my mother, love would be withheld, so naturally, I  would do almost anything in order to be loved.

I undergone several therapies and am  currently living in the same town as my biological father, far away from my mother. But I haven’t  healed yet. As an adult I often feel:

  • Not good enough.
  • Scared to speak up my own mind.
  • Worried what other people think of me.
  • I have anxiety, depression and eating disorder;

There are too many mothers out there like this — abusing children. They are hard to spot because, in public, they act as other parents do. But as soon as the curtain falls — they show their real faces. And as a child you don’t have many choices: you can either fight it or surrender.

I left my mother when I was 18 years old to live with my father. I am healing now, but very slowly. I am catching up on everything that I have lost because of my mother.

Adults who were raised as children by narcissistic mothers don’t just get over the abuse. It takes years of strong family, friends and therapeutic support to help them heal and learn healthy behaviours that will help them eliminate the insecurities. And it is possible! I know it is and I will make it.

Jason123

Jason123

I’ve been through a lot, like many others who have unfortunately dated, married or had children with narcissistic women. The fact is that narcissistic people are one of the most dangerous creatures out there. But I managed to escape the abuse.

Just after New Year’s Eve with help from my family and friends I was evacuated from this abusive relationship. It was hard for me to leave her, especially since we have a baby together, but I had no other option.

Let me rephrase this I had two options: either I stay and continue to suffer or leave. I wanted to be there for my son.  Currently, my I am in a very bad shape, like many who have been emotionally and physically abused by narcissists. I started therapy, I thought of suicide, I thought of going back to her, I thought of going forward.

Currently, I am living in my mums home.

The apartment that I bought is empty, I  am unable to pay the mortgage, she robbed me of all the money. She wants the apartment to be sold and money split even. She hasn’t invested a single dime into the apartment, and we were never married. But she still demands it. Legally, she has no right to demand any money that she hasn’t invested.

“I will fight you until the end of my life if you don’t give me what I deserve!” That’s what she keeps telling me.

But the truth is that narcissists don’t just disappear, they are always here, lurking and plus she believes she has leverage over me — our child.

She asked me for spousal support as well. She never answers my texts or emails. She ignores the emails from the lawyers. She calls to shout and bully me. Because she knows, that everything that she writes down on paper could be potentially used against her. 

I can get in more debt and pay her off but that won’t save me from her. I can fight her forever and get in debt over again. Or I can just let the bank and the government take the apartment and then wait for the government to demand money from both her and me.  I ask myself: 

“How do narcissists always win?”

They don’t. It is us who let them win. I gout out, physically. Now it’s time for me to get out emotionally and that will take time. Just yesterday I went to our  apartment to check what was left there. She took everything with her. She only left him one thing — a positive pregnancy test on the kitchen counter as a message. It devasted me.

Was she reminding me that she will always be present in my life till death do us  apart because of our child? Perhaps…. That’s what a narcissistic individual would do.

Luckily, I planned my escape for a month in advance. I didn’t expect her to turn out to be so cruel as she has shown herself to be. I still haven’t seen our son. I am trying every day to get to see him.

So how did I escape safely?

I planned in advance and never hinted that I would be leaving her. I packed all the important documents that I needed and moved them to my mother’s house.

I spoke to people such as friends, family and therapists about the situation that I was in. They gave me the support and encouragement that I so needed.

I saved up a little amount of cash so I could survive until the next payroll.

It’s been a few days now that I have learnt not to pick up the phone when she is calling even though it pains me as I always think “what if she is calling because of the baby?” I respond in text messages asking if it’s child-related and she is silent. It wasn’t child related obviously, she just wished to abuse me more or even worse, make false promises, because soon I know she  will realize what kind of a man she lost….

Cypher777

Cypher777

After watching Johnny Depp trial, I made a decision today — to go to court, to enter the war, and annihilate my ex-partner, a malignant narcissist. I know too well that for narcissists, the court is their stage, and they are the leading actors.

But I have faith in the legal system. I don’t want to give up on his 7-year-old son. I can’t watch him grow up and become the reflection of his mother. I  wish to give our son better life.

I tried to reason with my narcissistic ex, I attempted to co-parent, I tried to get her help: I called psychiatrists, psychologists, therapists. Nothing worked. And I am broken and have nothing to lose. 

I am on the verge of suicide and fearing losing the battle, and our son, I realized that my narcissistic ex will never be cured or changed. I realized that he would never win the war, but maybe I might win the battle by accepting that his ex will never get better and that I must prioritize himself.

“Why me?”, I asked myself.

  • Because my friend is a rescuer
  • Because he is compassionate
  • Because he is a co-dependent

Ultimately, I was the caretaker of my narcissistic ex, and I became addicted to needing to take care of her, instead of myself first.

Now, I know that my well-being comes above everything else. And if I don’t get well, then there is no chance I would win the battle or the war and support our son through the horrendous ordeal ahead of him.

I am pulled back to thoughts about the narcissist, after all, I did all for her — to make her “happy”. I am experiencing trauma bonding that resulted from her emotionally abusive tactics and made me literally addicted to her. These bonds are hard to break but aren’t impossible.

To reclaim the mental serenity, I  must:

  • Reclaim my own mental space for myself.
  • Let go of negative attachments & thoughts such as (“It’s your fault!”).
  • Forget about the “Why?”, “What If?” and “How?” — let the past stay in the past.
  • Stop fearing the future — and live just for today.
  • Practice daily gratitude.
  • Clear toxic friends and family from his life.
  • Establish firm boundaries.
  • And ultimately move forward from victimhood.

Because I am not a victim, I am a survivor.  

Badger

Badger

Have you heard the phrase, “stop badgering me?” I am sure you have. To those non-English speakers let me explain the meaning of this phrase. It means to persuade someone by telling them repeatedly to do something that they just don’t want to do.

Why do you think is the badger used in this expression and not any other animal? Because badgers are very tenacious, diligent, persistent — they don’t stop until they get what they want and need. This is what my girlfriend has been doing to me. 

I’ve had a stuffed badger for years. This animal has been at my friend’s place for over three years now. 

Why? Because I am an abusive relationship. Just last week when I was asked by my friend to come by to help him sort out his stuff and take my  badger back — I  was unable to come. Why?

Because of my girlfriend.

She just had to go mushroom picking and she demanded that I go with her. She imposed an ultimatum on me either they go mushroom picking, or she won’t sleep with me for a week.

Just to get this out of the way — I hate mushroom picking but looks like I  had no other option, right?

This weekend my friend is relocating. So, he must either get rid of my stuff (video games, records and the badger) or he will have to take them abroad. Within two hours I showed up after 3 years of never showing up. Yes, my I haven’t seen my friend in three years. Why?

Because of his girlfriend obviously. I’ve been isolated from all my friends. When I showed up I was told I was was unrecognizable.

I gained significant weight, was exhausted, unhappy and barely spoke. I was an eery resemblance of the stuffed badger.

But it took only a few old records, a few cans of beer and old memories to make me open up.

I spoke the truth: I am in abusive relationship.

There are certain rules my household that I  must abide by. First rule is I can play video games for only one hour per week. Second, I can pick once per month a place where I want to go with my girlfriend. Third, if we are to see his friends, she must agree with my proposal and know about a week in advance.

I also added that when he I manage to save enough money to buy us a house I might have “more power ”over her and just then perhaps I  would be able to see my friends more often.  

I’ve realized after I’ve opened up that many unhealthy relationship habits are baked into our society. We worship crazy, controlling and obsessive love — you know, that irrational love that somehow finds women throwing plates and knives at their partners and threatening suicide.

Society encourages women to keep their men “under leash” — rather than to walk hand in hand together. Self-help articles out there aren’t helpful either — they tell women how to get their ex back. Why the hell would you want that? There is a reason why people break up!

I finally admitted to my friend that I am victim of toxic abusive relationship:

  • She is telling me what’s right for me.
  • She demands to know everything I always do.
  • She is controlling my money.
  • She has isolated me from friends and family. 
  • She demanded I delete social media accounts. 

During the time I spent with my friend she called me four times asking when I would be home — she needed me! 

I never took the badger home as she threatened me. I am living with one…and I need to get the courage to leave. 

Jackson404

Jackson404

Remember the #metoo movement? It brought justice to many women. However, some people got abused within the movement which was supposed to expose the abusers and stop the abuse. Isn’t it ironic? Amber Heard is a great example. 

I was used by  a certain woman who piggybacked on my “fame” and misused my goodwill to advance her own career.

You see, not so long ago, I was one of the most respected managers in the video games industry. I worked hard to achieve this status. I helped many people progress in their careers, I  spoke at countless game conferences about various topics: self-improvement, mental health issues, equality etc.

I  was passionate about my work and cared what others thought of me. I always tried to do my best not to upset anyone. My close friends knew that I was an introvert at heart and that my love for the video games industry suppressed the “shy” inside of me. I respected everybody— I never dared to assume, and  was often very straightforward in business and in personal life.

But not everyone can handle openness.

Two years ago, a woman contacted the video game press telling them that I tried to sexually abuse her. “Whaat?!” The media picked up the story and suddenly it was all over the news. And as they say:“If it’s in the news, it must be true…”

I could not believe it. It was NOT THE TRUTH! The woman gave very little information on the alleged “sexual abuse”. All that was said was that I allegedly put my hand on her knee, and advanced on her. She told me to back off and he did. That’s it. End of the story.

“How did this make the industry news?” — I thought to myself.

But then I realized that it was the #metoo peak, and the whole industry has set up various panels and talks around sexual abuse in the industry and beyond. There were few massive events coming up and it seems that they were still looking for speakers. I mean some of these events are in big cities like Tokyo, New York and Tel Aviv.

Did I tell that we stay in Hilton hotels and have free meals and drinks? So, looks to me that the no-name girl secured her spot. Damn me!

The media used my name all over again, connecting ME to people who have committed sexual crimes and were found guilty. It was inhumane. Nobody cared about MY side of the story, or rather the story itself!

Lots of my friends and business partners abandoned me but there were people and many of them female who stood by me and asked me for the TRUTH. So I told them:

She was a junior within the industry, she wanted to make it into big companies. I invited her to a few after-parties and introduced her to the “crowd”.

We drank, had fun and around 4 AM they left to their separate hotel rooms. We continued texting that night, and she sent me nude pictures. I  flirted, she flirted back. Then I  sent her a message:

“Do you want to have sex with me?”

She said no tonight, perhaps tomorrow? I said OK. Conversation ended.

The next day I  approached her and apologized, I  said that I  was drunk and that he took the nude picture as an invitation to ask. She apologized back. No hard feelings. She asked me later that day if she can join a VIP party. I sent her the invitation.

She asked ME to pick her up, I was unable to. We mingled at the party but didn’t speak much. That’s it. A month later the news broke.

I don’t see sexual abuse; I see a desperate cry for attention.

Many influential women and men in the industry urged me to share my  side of the story, to expose the messages and set the record straight. I was reluctant. I  started losing clients, people started avoiding me. I was depressed.

My friend flew in to visit me and persuaded me to share the story with the media with all the evidence, I believed that if I spoke out too, then perhaps things would get better. People would see the full picture and things would turn around for me. Reluctantly I  spoke to the media and shared screenshots from the conversations.

Days went by, weeks, months nothing changed. The article didn’t get picked up. The clients didn’t return. I didn’t improve. The damage was done.

She, on the other, was everywhere — at every event, she spoke at the biggest conferences, attended panel discussions and landed a job in one of the biggest video game companies in the world. How convenient…

I believe that the woman got upset after I decided that I  may not want to pursue an intimate relationship with her and apologized the next day. Perhaps she got embarrassed for sending those pictures in the late hours or scared that I  would share them with others, so she attacked instead.

Whatever the reason, it was not okay. It was also not okay for the other women to just accept her on a basis “she used the tag #metoo”, without listening to both sides, looking at the evidence.

They gave me a death sentence without a trial. Since that day I disappeared from the industry and focused on my mental health. I have a farm now, I draw, I do therapy, I still help out friends in the industry and I am  very grateful for what happened as it opened my eyes. 

I realized that I  valued the opinions of other people above my own needs and that caused me detriment for years. In some sense, the woman set me free.

Now I help others — I  volunteer a lot..I stopped stressing over other thoughts and perspectives and realized how happy I  can truly be. I am focused myself and my desires and how I  can contribute. I also realized how many people were “fakes ”and weren’t really out there to support his success or well-being.

When you stop caring what other think, you reclaim your life. You regain your freedom which you’ve lost the moment you someone else’s opinion mattered more than your own.

And what happened to her?

Oh, she has left the industry too, allegedly she was fired for gross misconduct. But who knows what’s the real truth. And to be honest, who actually cares about the truth nowadays? Well, I do.