I grew up with a narcissistic mother. Up until my father was present, she used to celebrate Christmas, Easter, birthday’s and attend many child-friendly events. Unfortunately, my mother did all in her power to cut contact between me and my father.

Now, years later when I am finally grown-up is— I don’t speak to my mother and I have  reconnected my father. When I  was a child my father did all that he could to take her into his custody and provide her with a better life. But unfortunately, the brutal truth is — courts in the Western parts of the world prefer mothers over fathers.

The last birthday I  celebrated with her father was when I  was 9 years old, since then my mother has made no effort to celebrate my birthdays. She usually made an excuse such as:

“Your father is not paying me enough so therefore we won’t be celebrating anything from now on…”

The funny thing is that my parents separated when I was an infant and since then my mother had over 6 relationships. Yes, I had had too many stepfathers. Somehow, even with the support of the stepfather, her wider family, her mother’s job my  mother was unable to buy me  a present or just take me out to a cinema. 

My mother had all the resources to provide me  with a “semi-happy” childhood, instead, she focused on herself. And that’s what narcissistic mother’s do. They think only about themselves:

• They lack empathy.
• They are self-centred.
• They are passive aggressive.
• They gaslight and guilt-trip you.

My mother was always also very jealous of me. Jealous that my father could provide and give me more than she can. So instead of promoting the relationship, she tried to erase him from her life. By doing so she destroyed my childhood.

During my adolescence, I developed various mental health issues and had severe troubles socializing with others. I believed that love is conditional. I had many toxic relationships when I  was a teenager. I already had my first “boyfriend” when she was just 12. I constantly sought love, approval from others. The boys used me a lot and I was bullied at school.

When I  was 13, I  was slapped by one of my  “boyfriends” after not wanting to give him a blow job. Later, he spread rumours about me — and I was known at school as a “whore”.

You see, because of her narcissistic mother I became a “people-pleaser”, I lost my own sense of identity. After all those years in my mother’s care, I had to meet the needs and wishes of my mother first, and in order to receive “attention”.

For years I battled (and still am) with insecurity. I neglected my own needs and wishes: I  was talented at painting — she stopped; I was a good swimmer, my father taught me — but my mother never took her to swim; I wrote stories and poems — my mother ripped them to pieces.

I felt like I was a burden to others and that I DON’T deserve to be loved and cared for. At times I was suicidal and started self-harming myself when I was 12.

All this neglect, emotional and psychological abuse has made me question everything, everyone around me. At times I avoided people just because I was scared of losing people — so why even create attachments — when everyone is likely to leave me anyway?

On other occasions I chased everyone to be my friend, to play with me, comfort me and ultimately love me. 

I was unable to speak my mind, nor form an opinion of my own. All of my opinions were my mothers. If I challenged my mother, love would be withheld, so naturally, I  would do almost anything in order to be loved.

I undergone several therapies and am  currently living in the same town as my biological father, far away from my mother. But I haven’t  healed yet. As an adult I often feel:

• Not good enough.
• Scared to speak up my own mind.
• Worried what other people think of me.
• I have anxiety, depression and eating disorder;

There are too many mothers out there like this — abusing children. They are hard to spot because, in public, they act as other parents do. But as soon as the curtain falls — they show their real faces. And as a child you don’t have many choices: you can either fight it or surrender.

I left my mother when I was 18 years old to live with my father. I am healing now, but very slowly. I am catching up on everything that I have lost because of my mother.

Adults who were raised as children by narcissistic mothers don’t just get over the abuse. It takes years of strong family, friends and therapeutic support to help them heal and learn healthy behaviours that will help them eliminate the insecurities. And it is possible! I know it is and I will make it.

I’ve been through a lot, like many others who have unfortunately dated, married or had children with narcissistic women. The fact is that narcissistic people are one of the most dangerous creatures out there. But I managed to escape the abuse.

Just after New Year’s Eve with help from my family and friends I was evacuated from this abusive relationship. It was hard for me to leave her, especially since we have a baby together, but I had no other option.

Let me rephrase this I had two options: either I stay and continue to suffer or leave. I wanted to be there for my son.  Currently, my I am in a very bad shape, like many who have been emotionally and physically abused by narcissists. I started therapy, I thought of suicide, I thought of going back to her, I thought of going forward.

Currently, I am living in my mums home.

The apartment that I bought is empty, I  am unable to pay the mortgage, she robbed me of all the money. She wants the apartment to be sold and money split even. She hasn’t invested a single dime into the apartment, and we were never married. But she still demands it. Legally, she has no right to demand any money that she hasn’t invested.

“I will fight you until the end of my life if you don’t give me what I deserve!” That’s what she keeps telling me.

But the truth is that narcissists don’t just disappear, they are always here, lurking and plus she believes she has leverage over me — our child.

She asked me for spousal support as well. She never answers my texts or emails. She ignores the emails from the lawyers. She calls to shout and bully me. Because she knows, that everything that she writes down on paper could be potentially used against her. 

I can get in more debt and pay her off but that won’t save me from her. I can fight her forever and get in debt over again. Or I can just let the bank and the government take the apartment and then wait for the government to demand money from both her and me.  I ask myself: 

“How do narcissists always win?”

They don’t. It is us who let them win. I gout out, physically. Now it’s time for me to get out emotionally and that will take time. Just yesterday I went to our  apartment to check what was left there. She took everything with her. She only left him one thing — a positive pregnancy test on the kitchen counter as a message. It devasted me.

Was she reminding me that she will always be present in my life till death do us  apart because of our child? Perhaps…. That’s what a narcissistic individual would do.

Luckily, I planned my escape for a month in advance. I didn’t expect her to turn out to be so cruel as she has shown herself to be. I still haven’t seen our son. I am trying every day to get to see him.

So how did I escape safely?

I planned in advance and never hinted that I would be leaving her. I packed all the important documents that I needed and moved them to my mother’s house.

I spoke to people such as friends, family and therapists about the situation that I was in. They gave me the support and encouragement that I so needed.

I saved up a little amount of cash so I could survive until the next payroll.

It’s been a few days now that I have learnt not to pick up the phone when she is calling even though it pains me as I always think “what if she is calling because of the baby?” I respond in text messages asking if it’s child-related and she is silent. It wasn’t child related obviously, she just wished to abuse me more or even worse, make false promises, because soon I know she  will realize what kind of a man she lost….

After watching Johnny Depp trial, I made a decision today — to go to court, to enter the war, and annihilate my ex-partner, a malignant narcissist. I know too well that for narcissists, the court is their stage, and they are the leading actors.

But I have faith in the legal system. I don’t want to give up on his 7-year-old son. I can’t watch him grow up and become the reflection of his mother. I  wish to give our son better life.

I tried to reason with my narcissistic ex, I attempted to co-parent, I tried to get her help: I called psychiatrists, psychologists, therapists. Nothing worked. And I am broken and have nothing to lose. 

I am on the verge of suicide and fearing losing the battle, and our son, I realized that my narcissistic ex will never be cured or changed. I realized that he would never win the war, but maybe I might win the battle by accepting that his ex will never get better and that I must prioritize himself.

“Why me?”, I asked myself.

• Because my friend is a rescuer
• Because he is compassionate
• Because he is a co-dependent

Ultimately, I was the caretaker of my narcissistic ex, and I became addicted to needing to take care of her, instead of myself first.

Now, I know that my well-being comes above everything else. And if I don’t get well, then there is no chance I would win the battle or the war and support our son through the horrendous ordeal ahead of him.

I am pulled back to thoughts about the narcissist, after all, I did all for her — to make her “happy”. I am experiencing trauma bonding that resulted from her emotionally abusive tactics and made me literally addicted to her. These bonds are hard to break but aren’t impossible.

To reclaim the mental serenity, I  must:

• Reclaim my own mental space for myself.
• Let go of negative attachments & thoughts such as (“It’s your fault!”).
• Forget about the “Why?”, “What If?” and “How?” — let the past stay in the past.
• Stop fearing the future — and live just for today.
• Practice daily gratitude.
• Clear toxic friends and family from his life.
• Establish firm boundaries.
• And ultimately move forward from victimhood.

Because I am not a victim, I am a survivor.