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Anndrej

Anndrej

I’ve seen too many women alienate children from their fathers. My ex-partner was one of them. I asked myself why? It too me years to understand that the reasons is that they wish to hurt their ex-partner for leaving them. These partners focus only on their own wishes and needs — they are driven by an obsessive desire to punish the other parent. They don’t understand that children need both parents to develop into healthy adults.

I am struggling to co-parent with my ex. I tried for years to keep the communication open, positive, and productive. I engaged in countless, nonsense communications with my ex to keep in touch with our children as I feared that the ex would cut me out of our children lives.

But I am a parent too. I parental responsibility and my ex can keep up causing issues but I have the right to be involved in our children’s lives. This year I finally secured a court order.I hoped that things would become easier but they didn’t. The ex continuous to engage in toxic behaviours such as:

• Intervenes and limits the communication between me and our children.
• Tells lies, badmouths and belittles me in front of our children.
• Speaks poorly about my family.
• Undermines my authority.
• Disregards the court order — visitations and contact arrangements.

I’ve realized it’s nearly impossible to to co-parent with a toxic parent who does the above things. Co-parenting is teamwork. It’s a mutual effort to do things in the best interest of the child.

But I understood after few years what I can do to protect myself and our children:

“I got a court order.”

You can’t negotiate with terrorists. You need to have a plan and know what you want to accomplish. Go before a judge with a plan, ask for visitations, create the timetable when and where you will be seeing your child. Add also online contact — phone communication. How the ex should keep you up to date with school issues, medical emergencies or anything else related to the child. Keep the communication in one place, ideally via email. If she the ex-partner starts making mistakes and creates issues, you can take them back to court. Get the most detailed court order that you can.

“Wait…”

The best thing you can do is wait: wait for your ex to mix up the court arrangements, show hostility, forget to pick up the child. You should also wait for your child to grow older to be able to make their mind of their own. Waiting doesn’t mean giving up — on the contrary, waiting means being there for your children when they need you and they will need you very soon.

That’s why keeping your distance and focusing on building your life for you and your children is the best thing I and you can and should do.

“In the Meantime, Live Your Life”

I can’t change your ex. I did all you could. Now I need to focus on myself — this way you I am helping my child. I took time for myself and to improve my mental health, sought therapy. Every time I come by to pick up children — I come with the biggest smile.

“Keep The Focus On Your Children.”

I call, text and am present in my children’s life. Even if my ex hides the phone and tries to cut contact I have the evidence that every day I texted your children goodnight. One day you I will be able to show all of these messages to my kids.One day, my children will come back to me because they won’t stay children forever. From now on I only focus on today and tomorrow, for my children.

Jose

Jose

I Have Three Children, But In Reality, I Have None.

“You know, always wanted to have a family. I wanted to have children. I wanted to be a good husband and a devoted father. I wanted to be the provider for the family, someone they can always lean on and find comfort and support…I have three children and somehow I feel that I have none…”

I am an empath.

A few years back I got divorced. I was married for 8 years, and in the last 5 years of my relationship with my ex-wife, our communication and closeness started fading off. I have two boys with her. She too wanted a family, but not with me.

She just wanted the kids — not the relationship.

She persuaded him to move from Berlin to a small town in south Germany, just so she can be close to her mum and dad. She stopped working, and I was okay with that. After all, I was the provider. The man!

My wife decided it would be good if we buy a flat in Berlin, but live with her parents, under their roof in this little town. I obliged and took a mortgage and got them a spacious apartment in Berlin.

Years went by and my wife along with her parents made more decisions, excluding me and just demanding more money from me. I  kept on giving them the money. By doing so I hoped to keep my family. I worked long hours, and side gigs, and gave money directly to her father.

Later I found out that he was actually paying off her father’s debts, but most importantly I realized that I have been shut out from the family. I was never asked or consulted about any of the decisions and when I tried to communicate with my wife — she ran off to her Mummy and Daddy.

I kept all of these frustrations bottled up inside, until one day I could not anymore. I stood up and asked my wife to move away with me and our children back to Berlin — to start again, to seek therapy, to get closer. She refused.

The next day I was informed by her father that it would be best if I would leave, adding that his daughter will be divorcing me! I was devasted. What followed next was months of suicidal thoughts, depression, and pure agony.
I left for Berlin and within two months her family pressured me to sell the flat that I bought for her and our children. I didn’t want to go to court, nor i could handle it emotionally or financially. I agreed and sold it. All the money went to her.

From now on I was seeing my sons, once or twice per month. She refuses to take them to Berlin so I embark on 380 miles journey to see them whenever the finances allow me. I call, and the phone is turned off. I send gifts and they are undelivered.

At my lowest point in life, I meet another woman. And just then, I so desperately hopes that my life might just turn around for the better. Unfortunately, it didn’t. It got worse.

I fell in love with a narcissist, who not only suffers from NPD but also from a borderline personality disorder and OCD and god knows what. Within the first three months of our relationship, she displayed minor traits of the above diagnoses such as jealousy, obsessiveness, black and white thinking, and subtle manipulation.

Soon she got pregnant her true persona came to life.

She beat, belittled, and isolated me. She stopped me from communicating with my two children, she controlled all the finances and threatened me.

“If you dare to leave you will never see your child again!”

I made the same mistake again.
I took another mortgage and bought us a smaller flat, but this time, but didn’t marry her. This abuse lasted for a year and when I finally reaches the bottom — being punched in the face so hard, that my lips were swallowed, my face scratched and my work computer destroyed just because I dared to go to the office meeting instead of staying with her and working from home.

I gathered the strength and the will to admit that I am a victim of a toxic abuse relationship and that it will never get better.

And with the help of my friends, and the family I left her.

Now I live in his mother’s home, while the flat I pay off is empty. She demands the flat be sold and half of the money be given to her. She demands spousal support even though she was never my spouse. She demands an unimaginable amount of child support. She demands that I pay her rent.

She calls me 10 days per day and leaves threats.

“You will never get rid of me! Never, you hear me?! Never! I will make the rest of your life a living hell and when our son is older I will tell him all about you!”
My friend sees his baby twice per week. His baby is only 7 months old. His son is innocent. But what awaits this baby?

So what can people like I do?
When you spend time with your child you need to focus on maintaining a loving, positive and compassionate relationship so the child knows that they are safe with you.
Never speak about the other parent in a derogatory way. Focus on your child, listen to them, and don’t pressure them into speaking when they aren’t willing, just be there for them. Always be even-tempered and keep your emotions under control.
Keep reassuring your child that they can always speak to you about anything and everything and that you are here for them. Keep telling them how much you love them. Keep showing up. Be always rational and reasonable and have the best interest of the child at your heart.
Be proactive, if you can and are allowed, seek therapy for your child. Search for a specialist in a PSD and someone who is not affiliated with the alienating parent in any way.
Be the role model for your kids. Show your children through your actions that you have their best interest as your priority.
Stay focused and most importantly present when you spend time with your children. Keep calling even when you know that the phone will be hidden, show up at the door even when you know that the other parent has made plans and your child will be made unavailable.

This will be painful but you must and will endure because you must remember that you have the tools to give your child a chance to develop into a healthy adult.
Please don’t care what other people will say, think or do. These are your children and you are their parent. And only you know who are you dealing with when it comes to your ex-partner.
Stay strong and don’t give in. There is a long bumpy and treacherous road ahead of you so you must be physically and mentally prepared to embark on it.
At times, you must make your well-being a priority, before helping your children. And that’s okay, don’t be hard on yourself.
Life was never meant to be easy, and it’s not your fault that you’ve ended up in a relationship with a narcissist.

But it’s also not your children’s fault.

Do your best to help your children grow up and become responsible parents so they don’t repeat their parents’ mistakes.

Protect yourself and protect them from any harm, even when it comes to protecting them from their own families.

Daryya

Daryya

I grew up with a narcissistic mother. Up until my father was present, she used to celebrate Christmas, Easter, birthday’s and attend many child-friendly events. Unfortunately, my mother did all in her power to cut contact between me and my father.

Now, years later when I am finally grown-up is— I don’t speak to my mother and I have  reconnected my father. When I  was a child my father did all that he could to take her into his custody and provide her with a better life. But unfortunately, the brutal truth is — courts in the Western parts of the world prefer mothers over fathers.

The last birthday I  celebrated with her father was when I  was 9 years old, since then my mother has made no effort to celebrate my birthdays. She usually made an excuse such as:

“Your father is not paying me enough so therefore we won’t be celebrating anything from now on…”

The funny thing is that my parents separated when I was an infant and since then my mother had over 6 relationships. Yes, I had had too many stepfathers. Somehow, even with the support of the stepfather, her wider family, her mother’s job my  mother was unable to buy me  a present or just take me out to a cinema. 

My mother had all the resources to provide me  with a “semi-happy” childhood, instead, she focused on herself. And that’s what narcissistic mother’s do. They think only about themselves:

  • They lack empathy.
  • They are self-centred.
  • They are passive aggressive.
  • They gaslight and guilt-trip you.

My mother was always also very jealous of me. Jealous that my father could provide and give me more than she can. So instead of promoting the relationship, she tried to erase him from her life. By doing so she destroyed my childhood.

During my adolescence, I developed various mental health issues and had severe troubles socializing with others. I believed that love is conditional. I had many toxic relationships when I  was a teenager. I already had my first “boyfriend” when she was just 12. I constantly sought love, approval from others. The boys used me a lot and I was bullied at school.

When I  was 13, I  was slapped by one of my  “boyfriends” after not wanting to give him a blow job. Later, he spread rumours about me — and I was known at school as a “whore”.

You see, because of her narcissistic mother I became a “people-pleaser”, I lost my own sense of identity. After all those years in my mother’s care, I had to meet the needs and wishes of my mother first, and in order to receive “attention”.

For years I battled (and still am) with insecurity. I neglected my own needs and wishes: I  was talented at painting — she stopped; I was a good swimmer, my father taught me — but my mother never took her to swim; I wrote stories and poems — my mother ripped them to pieces.

I felt like I was a burden to others and that I DON’T deserve to be loved and cared for. At times I was suicidal and started self-harming myself when I was 12.

All this neglect, emotional and psychological abuse has made me question everything, everyone around me. At times I avoided people just because I was scared of losing people — so why even create attachments — when everyone is likely to leave me anyway?

On other occasions I chased everyone to be my friend, to play with me, comfort me and ultimately love me. 

I was unable to speak my mind, nor form an opinion of my own. All of my opinions were my mothers. If I challenged my mother, love would be withheld, so naturally, I  would do almost anything in order to be loved.

I undergone several therapies and am  currently living in the same town as my biological father, far away from my mother. But I haven’t  healed yet. As an adult I often feel:

  • Not good enough.
  • Scared to speak up my own mind.
  • Worried what other people think of me.
  • I have anxiety, depression and eating disorder;

There are too many mothers out there like this — abusing children. They are hard to spot because, in public, they act as other parents do. But as soon as the curtain falls — they show their real faces. And as a child you don’t have many choices: you can either fight it or surrender.

I left my mother when I was 18 years old to live with my father. I am healing now, but very slowly. I am catching up on everything that I have lost because of my mother.

Adults who were raised as children by narcissistic mothers don’t just get over the abuse. It takes years of strong family, friends and therapeutic support to help them heal and learn healthy behaviours that will help them eliminate the insecurities. And it is possible! I know it is and I will make it.

Jason123

Jason123

I’ve been through a lot, like many others who have unfortunately dated, married or had children with narcissistic women. The fact is that narcissistic people are one of the most dangerous creatures out there. But I managed to escape the abuse.

Just after New Year’s Eve with help from my family and friends I was evacuated from this abusive relationship. It was hard for me to leave her, especially since we have a baby together, but I had no other option.

Let me rephrase this I had two options: either I stay and continue to suffer or leave. I wanted to be there for my son.  Currently, my I am in a very bad shape, like many who have been emotionally and physically abused by narcissists. I started therapy, I thought of suicide, I thought of going back to her, I thought of going forward.

Currently, I am living in my mums home.

The apartment that I bought is empty, I  am unable to pay the mortgage, she robbed me of all the money. She wants the apartment to be sold and money split even. She hasn’t invested a single dime into the apartment, and we were never married. But she still demands it. Legally, she has no right to demand any money that she hasn’t invested.

“I will fight you until the end of my life if you don’t give me what I deserve!” That’s what she keeps telling me.

But the truth is that narcissists don’t just disappear, they are always here, lurking and plus she believes she has leverage over me — our child.

She asked me for spousal support as well. She never answers my texts or emails. She ignores the emails from the lawyers. She calls to shout and bully me. Because she knows, that everything that she writes down on paper could be potentially used against her. 

I can get in more debt and pay her off but that won’t save me from her. I can fight her forever and get in debt over again. Or I can just let the bank and the government take the apartment and then wait for the government to demand money from both her and me.  I ask myself: 

“How do narcissists always win?”

They don’t. It is us who let them win. I gout out, physically. Now it’s time for me to get out emotionally and that will take time. Just yesterday I went to our  apartment to check what was left there. She took everything with her. She only left him one thing — a positive pregnancy test on the kitchen counter as a message. It devasted me.

Was she reminding me that she will always be present in my life till death do us  apart because of our child? Perhaps…. That’s what a narcissistic individual would do.

Luckily, I planned my escape for a month in advance. I didn’t expect her to turn out to be so cruel as she has shown herself to be. I still haven’t seen our son. I am trying every day to get to see him.

So how did I escape safely?

I planned in advance and never hinted that I would be leaving her. I packed all the important documents that I needed and moved them to my mother’s house.

I spoke to people such as friends, family and therapists about the situation that I was in. They gave me the support and encouragement that I so needed.

I saved up a little amount of cash so I could survive until the next payroll.

It’s been a few days now that I have learnt not to pick up the phone when she is calling even though it pains me as I always think “what if she is calling because of the baby?” I respond in text messages asking if it’s child-related and she is silent. It wasn’t child related obviously, she just wished to abuse me more or even worse, make false promises, because soon I know she  will realize what kind of a man she lost….

Cypher777

Cypher777

After watching Johnny Depp trial, I made a decision today — to go to court, to enter the war, and annihilate my ex-partner, a malignant narcissist. I know too well that for narcissists, the court is their stage, and they are the leading actors.

But I have faith in the legal system. I don’t want to give up on his 7-year-old son. I can’t watch him grow up and become the reflection of his mother. I  wish to give our son better life.

I tried to reason with my narcissistic ex, I attempted to co-parent, I tried to get her help: I called psychiatrists, psychologists, therapists. Nothing worked. And I am broken and have nothing to lose. 

I am on the verge of suicide and fearing losing the battle, and our son, I realized that my narcissistic ex will never be cured or changed. I realized that he would never win the war, but maybe I might win the battle by accepting that his ex will never get better and that I must prioritize himself.

“Why me?”, I asked myself.

  • Because my friend is a rescuer
  • Because he is compassionate
  • Because he is a co-dependent

Ultimately, I was the caretaker of my narcissistic ex, and I became addicted to needing to take care of her, instead of myself first.

Now, I know that my well-being comes above everything else. And if I don’t get well, then there is no chance I would win the battle or the war and support our son through the horrendous ordeal ahead of him.

I am pulled back to thoughts about the narcissist, after all, I did all for her — to make her “happy”. I am experiencing trauma bonding that resulted from her emotionally abusive tactics and made me literally addicted to her. These bonds are hard to break but aren’t impossible.

To reclaim the mental serenity, I  must:

  • Reclaim my own mental space for myself.
  • Let go of negative attachments & thoughts such as (“It’s your fault!”).
  • Forget about the “Why?”, “What If?” and “How?” — let the past stay in the past.
  • Stop fearing the future — and live just for today.
  • Practice daily gratitude.
  • Clear toxic friends and family from his life.
  • Establish firm boundaries.
  • And ultimately move forward from victimhood.

Because I am not a victim, I am a survivor.  

Badger

Badger

Have you heard the phrase, “stop badgering me?” I am sure you have. To those non-English speakers let me explain the meaning of this phrase. It means to persuade someone by telling them repeatedly to do something that they just don’t want to do.

Why do you think is the badger used in this expression and not any other animal? Because badgers are very tenacious, diligent, persistent — they don’t stop until they get what they want and need. This is what my girlfriend has been doing to me. 

I’ve had a stuffed badger for years. This animal has been at my friend’s place for over three years now. 

Why? Because I am an abusive relationship. Just last week when I was asked by my friend to come by to help him sort out his stuff and take my  badger back — I  was unable to come. Why?

Because of my girlfriend.

She just had to go mushroom picking and she demanded that I go with her. She imposed an ultimatum on me either they go mushroom picking, or she won’t sleep with me for a week.

Just to get this out of the way — I hate mushroom picking but looks like I  had no other option, right?

This weekend my friend is relocating. So, he must either get rid of my stuff (video games, records and the badger) or he will have to take them abroad. Within two hours I showed up after 3 years of never showing up. Yes, my I haven’t seen my friend in three years. Why?

Because of his girlfriend obviously. I’ve been isolated from all my friends. When I showed up I was told I was was unrecognizable.

I gained significant weight, was exhausted, unhappy and barely spoke. I was an eery resemblance of the stuffed badger.

But it took only a few old records, a few cans of beer and old memories to make me open up.

I spoke the truth: I am in abusive relationship.

There are certain rules my household that I  must abide by. First rule is I can play video games for only one hour per week. Second, I can pick once per month a place where I want to go with my girlfriend. Third, if we are to see his friends, she must agree with my proposal and know about a week in advance.

I also added that when he I manage to save enough money to buy us a house I might have “more power ”over her and just then perhaps I  would be able to see my friends more often.  

I’ve realized after I’ve opened up that many unhealthy relationship habits are baked into our society. We worship crazy, controlling and obsessive love — you know, that irrational love that somehow finds women throwing plates and knives at their partners and threatening suicide.

Society encourages women to keep their men “under leash” — rather than to walk hand in hand together. Self-help articles out there aren’t helpful either — they tell women how to get their ex back. Why the hell would you want that? There is a reason why people break up!

I finally admitted to my friend that I am victim of toxic abusive relationship:

  • She is telling me what’s right for me.
  • She demands to know everything I always do.
  • She is controlling my money.
  • She has isolated me from friends and family. 
  • She demanded I delete social media accounts. 

During the time I spent with my friend she called me four times asking when I would be home — she needed me! 

I never took the badger home as she threatened me. I am living with one…and I need to get the courage to leave. 

Jackson404

Jackson404

Remember the #metoo movement? It brought justice to many women. However, some people got abused within the movement which was supposed to expose the abusers and stop the abuse. Isn’t it ironic? Amber Heard is a great example. 

I was used by  a certain woman who piggybacked on my “fame” and misused my goodwill to advance her own career.

You see, not so long ago, I was one of the most respected managers in the video games industry. I worked hard to achieve this status. I helped many people progress in their careers, I  spoke at countless game conferences about various topics: self-improvement, mental health issues, equality etc.

I  was passionate about my work and cared what others thought of me. I always tried to do my best not to upset anyone. My close friends knew that I was an introvert at heart and that my love for the video games industry suppressed the “shy” inside of me. I respected everybody— I never dared to assume, and  was often very straightforward in business and in personal life.

But not everyone can handle openness.

Two years ago, a woman contacted the video game press telling them that I tried to sexually abuse her. “Whaat?!” The media picked up the story and suddenly it was all over the news. And as they say:“If it’s in the news, it must be true…”

I could not believe it. It was NOT THE TRUTH! The woman gave very little information on the alleged “sexual abuse”. All that was said was that I allegedly put my hand on her knee, and advanced on her. She told me to back off and he did. That’s it. End of the story.

“How did this make the industry news?” — I thought to myself.

But then I realized that it was the #metoo peak, and the whole industry has set up various panels and talks around sexual abuse in the industry and beyond. There were few massive events coming up and it seems that they were still looking for speakers. I mean some of these events are in big cities like Tokyo, New York and Tel Aviv.

Did I tell that we stay in Hilton hotels and have free meals and drinks? So, looks to me that the no-name girl secured her spot. Damn me!

The media used my name all over again, connecting ME to people who have committed sexual crimes and were found guilty. It was inhumane. Nobody cared about MY side of the story, or rather the story itself!

Lots of my friends and business partners abandoned me but there were people and many of them female who stood by me and asked me for the TRUTH. So I told them:

She was a junior within the industry, she wanted to make it into big companies. I invited her to a few after-parties and introduced her to the “crowd”.

We drank, had fun and around 4 AM they left to their separate hotel rooms. We continued texting that night, and she sent me nude pictures. I  flirted, she flirted back. Then I  sent her a message:

“Do you want to have sex with me?”

She said no tonight, perhaps tomorrow? I said OK. Conversation ended.

The next day I  approached her and apologized, I  said that I  was drunk and that he took the nude picture as an invitation to ask. She apologized back. No hard feelings. She asked me later that day if she can join a VIP party. I sent her the invitation.

She asked ME to pick her up, I was unable to. We mingled at the party but didn’t speak much. That’s it. A month later the news broke.

I don’t see sexual abuse; I see a desperate cry for attention.

Many influential women and men in the industry urged me to share my  side of the story, to expose the messages and set the record straight. I was reluctant. I  started losing clients, people started avoiding me. I was depressed.

My friend flew in to visit me and persuaded me to share the story with the media with all the evidence, I believed that if I spoke out too, then perhaps things would get better. People would see the full picture and things would turn around for me. Reluctantly I  spoke to the media and shared screenshots from the conversations.

Days went by, weeks, months nothing changed. The article didn’t get picked up. The clients didn’t return. I didn’t improve. The damage was done.

She, on the other, was everywhere — at every event, she spoke at the biggest conferences, attended panel discussions and landed a job in one of the biggest video game companies in the world. How convenient…

I believe that the woman got upset after I decided that I  may not want to pursue an intimate relationship with her and apologized the next day. Perhaps she got embarrassed for sending those pictures in the late hours or scared that I  would share them with others, so she attacked instead.

Whatever the reason, it was not okay. It was also not okay for the other women to just accept her on a basis “she used the tag #metoo”, without listening to both sides, looking at the evidence.

They gave me a death sentence without a trial. Since that day I disappeared from the industry and focused on my mental health. I have a farm now, I draw, I do therapy, I still help out friends in the industry and I am  very grateful for what happened as it opened my eyes. 

I realized that I  valued the opinions of other people above my own needs and that caused me detriment for years. In some sense, the woman set me free.

Now I help others — I  volunteer a lot..I stopped stressing over other thoughts and perspectives and realized how happy I  can truly be. I am focused myself and my desires and how I  can contribute. I also realized how many people were “fakes ”and weren’t really out there to support his success or well-being.

When you stop caring what other think, you reclaim your life. You regain your freedom which you’ve lost the moment you someone else’s opinion mattered more than your own.

And what happened to her?

Oh, she has left the industry too, allegedly she was fired for gross misconduct. But who knows what’s the real truth. And to be honest, who actually cares about the truth nowadays? Well, I do.