As of this writing, I have been separated from my ex-husband for 22½ years and happily divorced for 14½ years.  There was certainly one bright light after the wedding – my child… an amazing daughter to whom I refer as the best baby ever born.  She is everything to me, and I don’t believe that I would have weathered this storm without her support, encouragement, and a smile that would melt the deepest and tallest glacier.

“I am not going to be the one to ruin that relationship.”  That was not only my mantra, but it also became my commitment to my daughter with regard to her father.  Prior to separating, I communicated with my entire family that I did not want anyone to bad-mouth my ex in front of my child; by and large, they acceded to my wishes – but outside of my child’s earshot, one family member particularly insulted, demeaned, and criticized both me and my ex.  To this day, this person (to whom I am indentured) is blind to the fact that he/she is exactly like my ex in character and temperament – and they absolutely can’t stand each other (never have; never will).  Even though they have not been officially diagnosed by any mental health professionals, I can honestly say that both check off several boxes of Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

While I am including this TAR Tale under “Parental Alienation”, I want to tell you it is possible to minimize the effects of this terrible form of abuse and manipulation for your children.

My ex-husband is a brilliant person.  A perpetual student with several advanced degrees (including two Masters’ and a Ph.D. in an extremely marketable field).  We fell apart following the birth of our only child – she was, after all, an infant and needed everything to be done for her.  She became the center of my world, and I had no problem with that.  Jealousy and competition became the orders of my ex’s life – resentment over my maternity leave, having to buy diapers instead of movie tickets, cleaning up after my child, and generally committing every waking hour to her.  He felt all of this was at his expense, and he participated less than minimally in the wonderful job of parenting.

I told him that he must leave our home after a “straw that broke the camel’s back” day.  I woke up early to get my daughter ready for her day with my Dad, who provided care for her while I worked full-time 20 miles from home.  Before I went to pick her up from my Dad, I went home to put dinner together for the three of us.  My heart started palpitating, I became short of breath, and I found my ex in the bed where I left him 10 hours prior.  He hadn’t even taken out the trash to be picked up the next morning, and left a huge mess in the kitchen.

Using my best outside voice (many of my friends will say that I don’t yell), I demanded that he come downstairs.  Fifteen minutes later, he showed up in the living room.  I said, “you have two weeks to find a place to live.”  He knew that was coming – and offered no argument.  I called 911 to come and evaluate if I was having a heart attack when he went back upstairs.  After being told that it was a panic attack, I settled myself down and went to pick up my daughter and treated us to a fast food dinner.  He moved out the next day; I can’t tell you the relief I felt.

My ex could have made this very difficult, but I never gave him any ammunition to use against me.  I didn’t file for divorce for 7½ years, left him on my health insurance for five of those years, and allowed him to call me three days in advance of when he or his parents wanted to see our child.  My daughter and I told each other everything; she was so precocious and spoke in sentences at 16 months to my complete relief.  She understood when I explained that she had to live by the rules of three households – mine, my parents’, and her father’s parents’ homes – and she adapted pretty easily.  Every month her father would ask me if I wanted to go through with a divorce; believe me – if I thought things would improve and he would be a member of the family, I might’ve said “no”.  I knew that change was not happening, so when a dear friend brought me to her law firm saying “we’re getting you divorced” I did not refuse.  We had to take classes to manage custody, finance, and contact; my daughter’s teachers told me that she could teach the class for her peers all on her own.  That was another relief for me – she was adjusting to our new life pretty well.

Fast forward.  He opted out of the divorce hearing and didn’t contest anything.  We had no property, and he certainly didn’t want the responsibility of caring for our daughter even half of the time.  He also did not pay child support after the divorce.  I’m no hero, but I remained steadfast in my commitment to my daughter. 

“I am not going to be the one to ruin that relationship.”

The best advice I can give all of you struggling with leaving a toxic, narcissistic relationship is this:

• Build your relationship with your children.  Let them know where they fit into your life.  Make them your priority.  Love, hug, and kiss them all the time.
• Never speak ill of your ex if at all possible, especially while the kids are tiny.  If your ex speaks badly of you, make sure that your communication is open enough with your children to attempt to explain why she/he says mean things about you.  If you take a few minutes to think about how to explain, you can adjust yourself in the direction of “tact & diplomacy” – one of my Dad’s favorite adages.
• When the kids are tweens and teens, let honesty enter the conversation.  While you still need to interact with your narcissistic ex, make sure all of the rules are clear.  It’s okay that we have most of the control – it sends the message that you will not allow your children to be victims of a toxic relationship or person.

I think that the worst thing I said to my ex after he didn’t show up for our child’s high school graduation – “She’s an adult now.  I never want to sit across a table from you ever again.”  Finally, after not paying child support for more than 10 years and never being denied a visit when it was convenient for him, he has limited contact with my daughter and knows very little of her life.  This does not make me happy; and there is no room for vengeance in my heart which is filled with my daughter’s love.  Honestly, I hope that someday he will learn how to build his relationship with her.  He really has no idea what he’s missing; that is the tragedy in all of this.

May 9th of this year was a very sad day for me, as it marked a full 365 days since I was erased from my daughter’s life. The process of alienating a child from a loving parent often takes years of quietly applied maneuvering, co-dependency, coercion, and the profound altering of a child’s emotional attachment to the other parent – as was the case in my scenario. It is considered child abuse for a reason. When you take the time to re-evaluate the intricacies of your parental relationship, and that of a divorced spouse, the pattern that emerges can be quite overwhelming. I’m lucky, I wrote everything down. 

Looking back upon the dumpster fire that has been this last calendar year, I find myself waking up more days holding on to the essence of my own hope. Today, I am fully engaged with those around me and have purposely removed myself from a place of isolation. 

I’m not claiming that I’ve been saved, nor am I the savior.

I am one man, peddling nothing but facts and truth. When faced with a moral dilemma that you’ve lost something that you can never properly or organically (re)ascertain, a sense of moral awakening takes place. The embers remain in their worst place – a dark flammable corner – where one spark could cause a four-alarm blaze.

Not today. Today I have some hope. And with hope comes accountability. To concentrate on truths, hollowing out the use of excuses, take control of my own behavior, and offer a simple nugget for those going through this. 

What I Have Learned: 

• My daughter’s alienation was not my fault – I have learned that I am powerless over the alienator’s ways and it is in no way beneficial for me to harbor blame upon myself. I don’t need to list my achievements as a father – I have 18 years of memories that tell me exactly what happened. 

• There remains but one truth – Dissect statements and thoughts and what you have seen with your own eyes. No matter what “they” say, whoever they are, there is only one version of the truth. As long as your intentions are well-meaning and humble in nature, stick with the truth. Like Richard Roma tells George Aranow in Glengarry Glen Ross — “The truth George, always tell the truth. It’s the easiest thing to remember.”

• I was a good parent – No time for superlatives. Fact: I stepped up at every moment to be the best father I could be. Everyone makes mistakes, I sure did. But I never left my daughter’s health and safety up for chance. She never needed anything. While this is a tough thought to process (particularly while alienated), part of my recovery must allow this truth to sink into my psyche.

• I am prepared for her to never return – It has been mentioned in earlier blogs that even if a child returns to an alienated parent there are still serious implications that cause a detriment to the already fractured relationship. That really sucks on the whole outlook front. It’s been a year with no contact and I am prepared for her to remain alienated. I understand the power of this debilitating family disease. Think alcohol, schizophrenia, and other major mood disorders including narcissistic personality disorder – all handed down genetically. My ex never had a chance, and neither did I.

• I have people that love and understand me – Although slow to start, it was imperative that I opened up about how alienation has affected me. I post publicly and occasionally am asked. Lately, I have averted simply saying that it’s been a while since I spoke with my adult daughter. I am more apt to share this facet of my life – while never really giving a shit about what the receiving end thinks about me personally. This is not about me. I may be alienated, but I am not alone. My daughter is alone in the abuse she is enduring. My close friends understand and the community at Parental Alienation Anonymous (PA-A) and CPTSD Foundation have really supported this journey. I am thankful for those I have met in 12-step groups – they inspire me to push forward even when I don’t want to.

• Stronger than a year ago – Getting acclimated to my new world over this past year has delivered challenges. Like you, if you woke this morning then you have what I consider the greatest gift of life: another shot to get it right. 12-step programs allow you to open your mind to differing scenarios, many of which your mind never even considered. It is within the confines of these meetings that I cumulate my hope. I could not even tell you how poor my state of mind was when this final bout of alienation began. 

• You have to do the work to get better – There is a moment when alienated parents ask themselves “How do I go on living?”. I asked. A million times. There are no answers and the sooner you realize that the better your individual situation will become. There is no way to figure this thing out, just as you can’t figure out a family member’s drug problem. The realization that you are comfortable letting go of the need to understand how an issue works itself out is quite freeing. You have to put in the work. Whatever that means to you.

In a recent PA-A meeting, someone mentioned the absence of guideposts during the alienation journey. As a family disease, much secrecy lies within the borders of alienated families. There are few who can understand outside of the walls of a PA-A step program meeting. The truth is that the rest of us have no guideposts, no road signs, no speed limits, and no justification in terms of accountability. It’s an open and empty road, filled with large obstacles and no driving manual. I take great pride in the fact that I learn something new in every meeting. 

I realize how topical these statements are; however, because of the truth that is embedded within these thoughts I have found a moment of clarity. It is okay to breathe deeply and let the worry exit your chest, neck, and shoulders. It’s okay to smile and to live. It’s okay – when the time is right – to come up for air.

A special thanks to those whom I have had the pleasure of working with during my alienation journey. Without PA-A, I could not confirm where I would even be today. Thank you. 

You are not alone. To learn more about Parental Alienation Anonymous, as well as our weekly schedule of meetings, please click here:https://parentalalienationanonymous.com/meeting-schedule/

I was awoken by my alarm promptly at 5:00 a.m. this morning, the same time it is set for on all seven days. I have always preferred mornings, in darkness, prior to the sunlight’s blissful rise to capture the essence of my day. These morning hours bring clarity, sanctuary, and allow me to prepare for whatever the day has planned for me. For most of the past few weeks, the plan was working.

I feel truant when I sleep past the alarm and so I have several snooze options available at my disposal – and use one almost every day while the coffee is perking.

It’s the middle of the afternoon and I am feeling a bit defeated by the day. Despite trauma by way of parental alienation, most of my recent mornings were pasted with a candy-colored aura reminiscent of gratitude toward all things. I have begun a job I really enjoy after mostly COVID-related downtime and in between a few nannying positions.

And while the days over the past three weeks or so have been good for my résumé and wallet, my mental health continues to teeter somewhere between thinking I am totally fine and thinking I am a total wreck. This is Trauma 101.

I was recently reading a report from the National Library of Medicine which starts with this introduction: Existing research suggests that trauma survivors who experience psychological distress may deliberately inhibit the behavioral expression of emotion (Hassija et al., 2013; Litz, Orsillo, Kaloupek, & Weathers, 2000; Marx & Sloan, 2002; Roemer, Litz, Orsillo, & Wagner, 2001)

This struck an immediate chord with me. By better understanding the behavior of trauma sufferers, we can better our state of mind and find a level of expectation that works for us. What emotions are we living by and which are we quelling? Is my own personal positivity a shield – an indirect flight or fight moment that leads to continual fleeing?

Since parental alienation entered my life about six months ago, I have been searching for a balance to which I may not be entitled. A balance which offers flexibility to allow me to feel the traumas and the guilt I possess while living a purposeful, service-filled life. I have found some common ground: attending and leading parental alienation meetings has been pivotal to my recovery. Expressing and sharing my thoughts in writing and conversations is equally of value and allows others to learn about similar situations.

Today Was Different

I must have slept poorly as I had almost zero game plan for this day. It’s not that I didn’t have my work tasks and my personal tasks mapped out, but my fortitude to rule the day was in place; however, the mental stability to see it through is at best questionable.

Trauma causes indifference, stagnation, and second-guessing in everyday decision-making.

Shortly after being alienated from my only daughter, I felt astoundingly deep grief in which I wallowed for several weeks. After I dusted myself off and decided to make the best life I could – despite unforeseen circumstances – I found relative security in my day-to-day life that I could cope with such trauma.

At my request, I asked for a full mental health evaluation. I also started weekly therapy to deal with the grief and outpouring of emotional loss that is attributed to parental alienation.

What To Do With This Wasted Day

I realize that this day is not wasted, despite feeling that way. I know that every single day that is lived is a gift. What do trauma sufferers do with a day that’s about to get away from them?

Take a break. Breathe. As a trauma sufferer – you are much more likely to want to wade in your negative emotions than break free of them. It’s not your fault – we are scarred to feel this way. Yet it is at this moment we must make a profound call to action – SEIZE THIS DAY.

It’s 3:15 p.m. and I cannot work anymore today, I did the very best that I could accomplish given the circumstances. As much as I am happy with the role I am in, dedication to my mental health supersedes it. I need to find a quiet place where my mind can slow down – a movie, loud music, handball, or perhaps bump into a few friends. The latter two – basically any activity that introduces outsiders – rate a big “no” when feeling like this. I don’t even want to pick up the phone on days like this. I am trying to remind myself that there are no wasted days. Trauma sufferers are damaged, but not broken.

I am an alienated mother.  I haven’t seen my children for 5 years now.  My dear friend referred me to this website, and I hope that these tips will help others mitigate the damage from their own personal war of parental alienation.  Please stay strong, endure, and one day your children will come back to you.

Only speak about the other parent in neutral positive terms – if your child is having difficulty with their other parent, help them develop a plan of how they talk to their other parent and resolve a situation.

Be open to talking to your child about the other parent – what they like and value about them.  Remember it is not a competition – your child loves both their parents mutually.

Try to see the other parent like a business partner and relate to them in this way.  You are in the
business of raising your children together.

Be flexible and return favors – timetables with children may have to change suddenly.

Remember you are doing it for your child and not for the other parent.

Keep your children informed – predictability and routine are essential for children.  Let
children make arrangements directly with the other parent as they get older – let them have
some age appropriate control.

Never lose hope.