May 9th of this year was a very sad day for me, as it marked a full 365 days since I was erased from my daughter’s life. The process of alienating a child from a loving parent often takes years of quietly applied maneuvering, co-dependency, coercion, and the profound altering of a child’s emotional attachment to the other parent – as was the case in my scenario. It is considered child abuse for a reason. When you take the time to re-evaluate the intricacies of your parental relationship, and that of a divorced spouse, the pattern that emerges can be quite overwhelming. I’m lucky, I wrote everything down.
Looking back upon the dumpster fire that has been this last calendar year, I find myself waking up more days holding on to the essence of my own hope. Today, I am fully engaged with those around me and have purposely removed myself from a place of isolation.
I’m not claiming that I’ve been saved, nor am I the savior.
I am one man, peddling nothing but facts and truth. When faced with a moral dilemma that you’ve lost something that you can never properly or organically (re)ascertain, a sense of moral awakening takes place. The embers remain in their worst place – a dark flammable corner – where one spark could cause a four-alarm blaze.
Not today. Today I have some hope. And with hope comes accountability. To concentrate on truths, hollowing out the use of excuses, take control of my own behavior, and offer […]
A father’s journey is one of perseverance. A journey where each passing day – whether bright and hopeful or dark and pressing – allows for the joys of life, the celebration of milestones, and a reckoning that as a father, you have done everything in your power to keep your child(ren) happy, healthy, and safe.
For seventeen years I was a dedicated, loving, and involved parent to my daughter. I was there for her birth, every birthday, every graduation, every parent-teacher conference, and every doctor’s appointment. I played the Easter Bunny, Santa, and the Tooth Fairy. When she was ill, I was there to nurse her back to health. As recently as a few months ago, we toured colleges and universities together.
I gladly and willingly paid child support for a decade as it was the only way to ensure no less than 50% of parenting time. After child support orders ceased, I continued to make sure my daughter had health insurance, life insurance coverage, supplies for school, clothing, and adequate social connections (dance, softball, camp, time with extended family).
Those I have spoken to have predicated their thoughts regarding this situation by acknowledging the sacrifice a parent needs to make. I never sacrificed anything – I chose my occupations and geography carefully so that they would align with my trajectory of being a single dad. The joy of having a child should not lead to sacrifice – it should lead to sanctuary. My daughter has made me proud in a million different […]
I was awoken by my alarm promptly at 5:00 a.m. this morning, the same time it is set for on all seven days. I have always preferred mornings, in darkness, prior to the sunlight’s blissful rise to capture the essence of my day. These morning hours bring clarity, sanctuary, and allow me to prepare for whatever the day has planned for me. For most of the past few weeks, the plan was working.
I feel truant when I sleep past the alarm and so I have several snooze options available at my disposal – and use one almost every day while the coffee is perking.
It’s the middle of the afternoon and I am feeling a bit defeated by the day. Despite trauma by way of parental alienation, most of my recent mornings were pasted with a candy-colored aura reminiscent of gratitude toward all things. I have begun a job I really enjoy after mostly COVID-related downtime and in between a few nannying positions.
And while the days over the past three weeks or so have been good for my résumé and wallet, my mental health continues to teeter somewhere between thinking I am totally fine and thinking I am a total wreck. This is Trauma 101.
I was recently reading a report from the National Library of Medicine which starts with this introduction: Existing research suggests that trauma survivors who experience psychological distress may deliberately inhibit the behavioral expression of emotion (Hassija et al., 2013; Litz, Orsillo, Kaloupek, & Weathers, 2000; Marx & Sloan, […]
For trauma sufferers as well as survivors, the burden of truth is often a difficult pill to swallow. In a recent dilemma, I have been stretched and squeezed into a mode of discomfort when it comes to decision-making.
My only niece is to be married. RSVPs were due yesterday, and I have yet to respond. Since parental alienation ended in the total estrangement of my only daughter, it has been increasingly difficult to assemble a rhythm of clear decision-making. It is particularly true for otherwise “easy” decisions. My brain is in an utter tangle, yet there exists a consistency of love, disappointment, obligation, and duty. As a trauma survivor, my brain has built a complex structure of defense mechanisms, actually solidifying past behaviors and patterns to which I always get to the same destination. Avoidance.
I love my niece with all of my heart and am so happy for her and her fiance. I want nothing more than to spend time with them on their special day, but I must be mindful of the unavoidable pitfalls of attending.
The burden of truth, in simpler terms, is aligned with my core beliefs, particularly one of honesty. Should I attend the wedding, all of my family will be there. Further, I will undoubtedly be introduced to all of the members of the family my niece is marrying into. This means I will have to give innumerable handshakes, hugs, pleasantries, and god-awful forced smiles. These are the worst kind – and in an essence lying. That’s […]
So a little about my grandmother. In short, she is very toxic. Old, of course, and sick. And I was her caregiver. There are six of us, including her, living in our home: my mom, dad, and two sisters. I’m the middle child.
My grandmother is always trying to start drama with the rest of the family. A few months ago she accused me of stealing $5 from her. Before that, she had made my younger sister’s friends miserable. My younger sister wanted to play with a friend – who was black – so in response to this, my grandmother went into her car and followed my younger sister around the neighborhood telling her to go home and not play with black people.
My grandmother has also bothered our neighbors about things, got into an argument with my neighbor’s mother, and if she doesn’t get what she wants, she will lay on the couch near the front door and scream.
She screams that she is dying! And does this on and on for at least two hours straight. One incident happened roughly two weeks ago when my older sister refused to buy her chicken. Consequently, my mother actually took my grandmother to the hospital where she was checked out for 60 minutes and given some prescription medicine.
This wasn’t the first time my grandmother pulled a stunt like this, crying and screaming and pretending to die on the couch. She had done this before, I can’t remember what for, […]
What Leaving A Narcissist Behind Has Taught Me…..
You should listen to people who love you. Your friends, your family, your coworkers, perhaps even your dog. At the time, you just didn’t listen. You thought you loved them more than anything, and you thought your best friends were overreacting. Oh how wrong you were!
It turned out, they were right all along. Now you know better. Now you know they were only trying to help you.
You must set boundaries. I lived in a fucking cupboard in my own house, where my ex never paid rent. How disturbing. The first thing I did when he was gone was to have lots of sex in that cupboard; and I still do.
You can’t let anyone have control over you. When you say something, stick to it; otherwise, they’ll walk all over you. Once, twice, three, times. And they will always blame someone else. No matter how much you gave them. They will steal. Oh yeah, I was ripped off, what kind of person steals from a dying person? A narcissist. But that’s past now. I am so grateful for my new life, for the life I dreamed of, and that I can finally live to the fullest.
Words don’t mean anything. They are only spoken to give false hope. Narcs do that all the time. They promise all kinds of things just to calm and fool you. Words don’t mean anything to them.
Actions are what counts. Now I have a man who would literally kill for me. […]
I am an alienated mother. I haven’t seen my children for 5 years now. My dear friend referred me to this website, and I hope that these tips will help others mitigate the damage from their own personal war of parental alienation. Please stay strong, endure, and one day your children will come back to you.
Only speak about the other parent in neutral positive terms – if your child is having difficulty with their other parent, help them develop a plan of how they talk to their other parent and resolve a situation.
Be open to talking to your child about the other parent – what they like and value about them. Remember it is not a competition – your child loves both their parents mutually.
Try to see the other parent like a business partner and relate to them in this way. You are in the
business of raising your children together.
Be flexible and return favors – timetables with children may have to change suddenly.
Remember you are doing it for your child and not for the other parent.
Keep your children informed – predictability and routine are essential for children. Let
children make arrangements directly with the other parent as they get older – let them have
some age appropriate control.
Never lose hope.
Over a Year
We sat together to share some food.
Our first meal,
my two sons and I,
in over a year.
Minutes, hours, days.
Weeks, months,
a year…
I don’t want to get myself caught,
caught on the side of fear,
counting, counting,
the figures feel real.
Though, as much as time hurts,
we all know it can heal.
Being alone in those many dark days,
not knowing when I will see you and you again.
I turn to knowing,
our connection,
our bond,
my son, my son.
Every other child I see that is around the age or height is you and you.
It’s too easy for parents to cause shame with blame,
forgetting that a child’s life is not a game.
To write these words and say something like this doesn’t seem true.
It isn’t the real me,
or the father I am for you and you.
Now at this table, this moment for us,
we create and hold our own rhythm,
an environment we trust.
So rather than always counting the days, the months, this year,
I’ll send my breath upon the wind,
and you, and you, and you, will hear.
It is now a year since I have had any contact with my three beautiful young children.
My ex continues to deny me any contact with them. My ex continues to take advantage of a flawed system. A system that enables her to ignore and breach court orders for contact and engagement in interventions, with no legal consequence.
I do not claim to be an expert in parental alienation. My story is no worse than any other of the incalculable number of alienated out there.
The following is certainly not intended to be viewed as some kind of checklist to battle parental alienation.
I have simply reflected on the last year and compiled a list of what I have learnt during the last twelve months.
Normalizing the sense of sadness and low mood one will invariably experience as an alienated parent is okay to do.
Allowing this sadness and low mood to spiral out of control is a slippery slope.
Professionals that claim to be experts should always be challenged.
Reading and learning as much as one can about parental alienation is an integral part of fighting this battle.
Connecting with other targeted parents, be it online or in person is incredibly important. Invaluable for emotional support, sharing of ideas, information and advice.
Complaining to services and institutions with a dignified, articulate and well informed argument is key. You may not feel you are making a difference, but every bit of ‘chipping away at the system’ helps.
It took me far too long to realize that the […]
I was targeted by the malignant narcissistic ex who wished to destroy her due to her own insecurities, and because of the strong bond that I have formed with my stepchild. I witnessed the cruel tactics of Parental Alienation and its effects on the innocent child, who was encouraged to literally “choose” between her parents. I witnesses the despair of my ex partner, who on more than one occasion wished to commit suicide. While battling my own demons, I went into court and told my truth, and was free to parent and to become herself again.
On that day in court, I made her own ruling: to become the authentic new version of herself, and accept her flaws and strengths.
To help others, who have to become “collateral damage” and have witnessed Parental Alienation from the eyes of an observer- outsider even- to remind you never to doubt yourself. Because tough times aren’t meant to destroy you, they are there to encourage you to rise up and step into your inner power. In times of doubt and despair, I wish to remind you that YOU are stronger than you think.
Stepparents are highly undervalued, but there are a lot of great stepparents who have stepped in and helped their stepchildren who were caught in the psychological war of Parental Alienation.
Never give up!