A TAR Tale by Jose

I Have Three Children, But In Reality, I Have None.

“You know, always wanted to have a family. I wanted to have children. I wanted to be a good husband and a devoted father. I wanted to be the provider for the family, someone they can always lean on and find comfort and support…I have three children and somehow I feel that I have none…”

I am an empath.

A few years back I got divorced. I was married for 8 years, and in the last 5 years of my relationship with my ex-wife, our communication and closeness started fading off. I have two boys with her. She too wanted a family, but not with me.

She just wanted the kids — not the relationship.

She persuaded him to move from Berlin to a small town in south Germany, just so she can be close to her mum and dad. She stopped working, and I was okay with that. After all, I was the provider. The man!

My wife decided it would be good if we buy a flat in Berlin, but live with her parents, under their roof in this little town. I obliged and took a mortgage and got them a spacious apartment in Berlin.

Years went by and my wife along with her parents made more decisions, excluding me and just demanding more money from me. I  kept on giving them the money. By doing so I hoped to keep my family. I worked long hours, and side gigs, and gave money directly to her father.

Later I found out that he was actually paying off her father’s debts, but most importantly I realized that I have been shut out from the family. I was never asked or consulted about any of the decisions and when I tried to communicate with my wife — she ran off to her Mummy and Daddy.

I kept all of these frustrations bottled up inside, until one day I could not anymore. I stood up and asked my wife to move away with me and our children back to Berlin — to start again, to seek therapy, to get closer. She refused.

The next day I was informed by her father that it would be best if I would leave, adding that his daughter will be divorcing me! I was devasted. What followed next was months of suicidal thoughts, depression, and pure agony.
I left for Berlin and within two months her family pressured me to sell the flat that I bought for her and our children. I didn’t want to go to court, nor i could handle it emotionally or financially. I agreed and sold it. All the money went to her.

From now on I was seeing my sons, once or twice per month. She refuses to take them to Berlin so I embark on 380 miles journey to see them whenever the finances allow me. I call, and the phone is turned off. I send gifts and they are undelivered.

At my lowest point in life, I meet another woman. And just then, I so desperately hopes that my life might just turn around for the better. Unfortunately, it didn’t. It got worse.

I fell in love with a narcissist, who not only suffers from NPD but also from a borderline personality disorder and OCD and god knows what. Within the first three months of our relationship, she displayed minor traits of the above diagnoses such as jealousy, obsessiveness, black and white thinking, and subtle manipulation.

Soon she got pregnant her true persona came to life.

She beat, belittled, and isolated me. She stopped me from communicating with my two children, she controlled all the finances and threatened me.

“If you dare to leave you will never see your child again!”

I made the same mistake again.
I took another mortgage and bought us a smaller flat, but this time, but didn’t marry her. This abuse lasted for a year and when I finally reaches the bottom — being punched in the face so hard, that my lips were swallowed, my face scratched and my work computer destroyed just because I dared to go to the office meeting instead of staying with her and working from home.

I gathered the strength and the will to admit that I am a victim of a toxic abuse relationship and that it will never get better.

And with the help of my friends, and the family I left her.

Now I live in his mother’s home, while the flat I pay off is empty. She demands the flat be sold and half of the money be given to her. She demands spousal support even though she was never my spouse. She demands an unimaginable amount of child support. She demands that I pay her rent.

She calls me 10 days per day and leaves threats.

“You will never get rid of me! Never, you hear me?! Never! I will make the rest of your life a living hell and when our son is older I will tell him all about you!”
My friend sees his baby twice per week. His baby is only 7 months old. His son is innocent. But what awaits this baby?

So what can people like I do?
When you spend time with your child you need to focus on maintaining a loving, positive and compassionate relationship so the child knows that they are safe with you.
Never speak about the other parent in a derogatory way. Focus on your child, listen to them, and don’t pressure them into speaking when they aren’t willing, just be there for them. Always be even-tempered and keep your emotions under control.
Keep reassuring your child that they can always speak to you about anything and everything and that you are here for them. Keep telling them how much you love them. Keep showing up. Be always rational and reasonable and have the best interest of the child at your heart.
Be proactive, if you can and are allowed, seek therapy for your child. Search for a specialist in a PSD and someone who is not affiliated with the alienating parent in any way.
Be the role model for your kids. Show your children through your actions that you have their best interest as your priority.
Stay focused and most importantly present when you spend time with your children. Keep calling even when you know that the phone will be hidden, show up at the door even when you know that the other parent has made plans and your child will be made unavailable.

This will be painful but you must and will endure because you must remember that you have the tools to give your child a chance to develop into a healthy adult.
Please don’t care what other people will say, think or do. These are your children and you are their parent. And only you know who are you dealing with when it comes to your ex-partner.
Stay strong and don’t give in. There is a long bumpy and treacherous road ahead of you so you must be physically and mentally prepared to embark on it.
At times, you must make your well-being a priority, before helping your children. And that’s okay, don’t be hard on yourself.
Life was never meant to be easy, and it’s not your fault that you’ve ended up in a relationship with a narcissist.

But it’s also not your children’s fault.

Do your best to help your children grow up and become responsible parents so they don’t repeat their parents’ mistakes.

Protect yourself and protect them from any harm, even when it comes to protecting them from their own families.

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