After watching Johnny Depp trial, I made a decision today — to go to court, to enter the war, and annihilate my ex-partner, a malignant narcissist. I know too well that for narcissists, the court is their stage, and they are the leading actors.
But I have faith in the legal system. I don’t want to give up on his 7-year-old son. I can’t watch him grow up and become the reflection of his mother. I wish to give our son better life.
I tried to reason with my narcissistic ex, I attempted to co-parent, I tried to get her help: I called psychiatrists, psychologists, therapists. Nothing worked. And I am broken and have nothing to lose.
I am on the verge of suicide and fearing losing the battle, and our son, I realized that my narcissistic ex will never be cured or changed. I realized that he would never win the war, but maybe I might win the battle by accepting that his ex will never get better and that I must prioritize himself.
“Why me?”, I asked myself.
- Because my friend is a rescuer
- Because he is compassionate
- Because he is a co-dependent
Ultimately, I was the caretaker of my narcissistic ex, and I became addicted to needing to take care of her, instead of myself first.
Now, I know that my well-being comes above everything else. And if I don’t get well, then there is no chance I would win the battle or the war and support our son through the horrendous ordeal ahead of him.
I am pulled back to thoughts about the narcissist, after all, I did all for her — to make her “happy”. I am experiencing trauma bonding that resulted from her emotionally abusive tactics and made me literally addicted to her. These bonds are hard to break but aren’t impossible.
To reclaim the mental serenity, I must:
- Reclaim my own mental space for myself.
- Let go of negative attachments & thoughts such as (“It’s your fault!”).
- Forget about the “Why?”, “What If?” and “How?” — let the past stay in the past.
- Stop fearing the future — and live just for today.
- Practice daily gratitude.
- Clear toxic friends and family from his life.
- Establish firm boundaries.
- And ultimately move forward from victimhood.
Because I am not a victim, I am a survivor.