I don’t often share, but I feel like I can explain and say the proper things on here.

So my TAR pit started about 8 years ago, when I got involved with a narcissist. Everything was always turned around on me, my feelings weren’t considered – it was always because I did something wrong. I made him mad, so he acted this way.

Now I struggle. We’ve been separated almost 3 years, but we have 3 children together.

It’s very LIMITED contact, but I’m sure a lot of people can relate when I say I felt more alone in my relationship than I do by myself.

I felt so suicidal, so hopeless, so worthless. I was ready to give up MANY, many days, but I didn’t.

I was constantly being put down, and he would lie, steal, sometimes physically abuse & cheat on me. Trying to heal from this is VERY hard. It certainly doesn’t happen within a day. And I don’t know if I will ever fully trust again.

Thankful that I’ve got 3 beautiful children out of that horrible toxic relationship. It’s a complete shit show.

There were plenty of times during our relationship that I remember he would withhold (take away) my phone and my bank card from me and then leave. I’d have no way to contact anyone for days at a time. I’d have to go to neighbours’ houses to use their phones and to check my bank account. Most if not all my children’s money would be gone and he would […]

I met him online. We pretty much instantly clicked. He was a truck driver, willing and eager to drop into my life. He was ready to come spend the night with my kids and me. I should have known this was the first red flag.

At first everyone liked and accepted him. We had this insatiable thirst for the patriarch position in our family to be filled. And soon his guts started spilling out. He was an alcoholic, and also homeless when he was not driving the truck. I wanted nothing but love and consideration. I asked for bonding time, for honesty, for aspirations as “us”.

I was born of a raging demon father that despite all my efforts to not be like him, my DNA seemed to have recorded responses to life situations. There was so much uncertainty, back and forth, countless drop offs at the truck stops to try and protect my kids and my own heart from what I logically knew was toxic. Gaslighting led to second guessing my own parenting style and brutal arguments when he would threaten my sons for behavior he deemed unacceptable. Too long did I allow my little family to step on egg shells as to not start raging arguments. Years of verbal and emotional abuse ultimately led to physical abuse. Two women later and a child by one of them, he came home right after being with the other woman. And STILL… STILL my heart could not just LET GO! I […]

Hi, where do I start? I watched my mom be abused physically, mentally, emotionally, and verbally growing up. I always said I would not let it happen to me. However, I do recall an argument where I was told I’m stupid, don’t know what I’m talking about, and that my feelings are not valid.  I was 18 years old, and driving during this argument.  As I proceeded to tell him I’m feeling hurt from his cheating, he tried to hit me – mind you, I’m driving.  I swerved the car as I ducked.  My rear view mirror went flying.  I pulled over and told him to get out.

Let’s fast forward.  I have been in this relationship for about 1½ to 2 years. We had been drinking, and he accused me of trying to have sex with his friend’s brother during a party at his friend’s home.  It quickly escalated; I don’t remember all of it due to being drunk.

I woke up in the back seat, but I know I was in the front when we left the friend’s house.  My face hurt badly; I realized that I had been hit in the face when I looked in the mirror and saw the huge bump that felt squishy.  I told him I wanted to leave him, and of course he said he was sorry and that he won’t ever do it again.  

Fast forward again.  It’s 12 to 18 months later.  We get married – we argued, but it was never physical.  After we […]

I am a 68-year-old woman who has been in a toxic marriage for 39 years.  I am also an 8-year crack and meth addict who uses to cope with the incredible pain and loneliness of a loveless relationship and the absence of any family support at this point.  There is no resentment towards them for protecting themselves and living their lives – just a gaping maw of emptiness and a desire to be out of my misery.

I have tried counseling, treatment, medication, work, physical and mental self-care, relocation, separation, community involvement, hobbies, and so much more… so many times without any success.  I believe that I was programmed for this from something in my youth, but I can’t prove it.  I’ve been raped, trafficked, lied to, abused, robbed, arrested, humiliated, berated, manipulated, gaslighted, and homeless.  

I’m writing all this to say to adults and young people – PLEASE start building up your (or your kids’) confidence, support system, financial health, faith, connectedness, love, supportive mental and physical health services, and a strong life purpose very early in life.  You were born to make a positive difference in this world and the better prepared you are to face the rampant hate, bias, obstacles, lies, and siren calls of the people and businesses that DON’T have your best interest at heart, the smoother your path will be in accomplishing your purpose.  Always be safe, be smart, lead with love, and have a fallback position in case of trouble.  Bless you all.

I experienced sexual abuse when I was a little girl. I told one of my caregivers and they didn’t do anything about it. I held that secret for several years, which wreaked havoc on my self-esteem and sense of security. I got the message “You are crazy and you don’t matter.” I don’t think that was the intended message from some of the people that were in my life, but I believed it.

I also suffered emotional abuse from a trusted caregiver in my childhood. When I was in my teens, I discovered alcohol and drank to numb the pain and to cope in society. I, of course, found myself in countless toxic relationships with people throughout my alcohol addiction.

My mother, who had been my biggest support system died when I was a young adult. It was devastating. I struggled with mental illness and alcoholism for several years and was hospitalized several times for suicidal issues. When I got honest about the abuse I experienced during my childhood, some of my family and friends called me a liar. It was very painful and I felt very alone. I finally got sober after I was sexually assaulted by a musician. I went to treatment, joined AA and worked the steps with a sponsor.

After about 12 years of working on myself in recovery (including a few relapses), I have eight years of sobriety from drugs and alcohol as I write this. Over the years of my sobriety, I have done […]

Survivor is a strong word some days. I was blessed with a precious baby boy. He was extremely smart and very athletic growing up. His personality was almost mirror to mine. People loved him and he loved people, maybe too much in school. He had his whole life planned out for him at the ripe old age of 15. He was dating the love of his life, going to college and majoring in Electrical Engineering, and playing baseball and football. He suffered a few concussions playing football, and a shoulder injury ended his time as an athlete. I failed to see it coming, but looking back now I can see the signs of his isolation and change of friends. He lost his girlfriend. His behavior begin to change and I just attributed it to depression. I thought if I could just give him some hope or something positive in his life, then he would be okay. RIGHT!!! I went down the dark path with him and did not even know that I was doing it. He would steal from me time and time again. He would become verbally abusive if I did not give him what he wanted. He would get into physical altercations with his father and brothers. I was sacrificing myself, my marriage, and my relationship with my other children to try and save him.

After several rehabs and tens of thousands of dollars later I lost him anyway. He died from an overdose of fentanyl after being […]