I came out to my mom in my late 30s. “Megan! I didn’t know you are bisexual!”

This was mom’s first reaction to reading chapter 1 of my book Mindfulness Brings Clarity. I spoke about how I knew I was queer from an experience at a young age.

“I mean, I know we don’t always tell our parents everything..” mom continued.

“Yeah, it just wasn’t something I was comfortable talking about.” I explained.

But let me break it down for you. The family dynamic I grew up with was not one of opening up and discussing much of anything at all. So I was kind of shocked at my mom’s shock that I didn’t tell her something. I didn’t tell her much of anything! Okay I guess that’s an exaggeration. She certainly helped me the best she could through the breakup with my first serious boyfriend when I was in high school. But it was certain reactions to that relationship, as well as a relationship I had with a person of color, that made it very obvious why I didn’t share what I was contemplating about my sexuality when I was younger. The judgment was palpable.

Then there’s the fact that I grew up in the Catholic Church. My parents thankfully shielded us from private school, but we had to go to church every weekend, as well as Sunday school to prepare for the various sacraments. No one explicitly said “we don’t accept gays” that I recall, if I did I blocked it out. But it was so obvious that heterosexuality was the norm and there was no veering away from that, at least if you wanted to be accepted by your peers, adults in the church, priests, and especially Jesus/God. I was already feeling so emotionally unsafe around my father that there was no way I was going to allow myself to explore something as taboo as being gay (especially in the 90s). That had to be buried way down deep.

I allowed the queer side to come out a little in college. But again, I knew that if I wanted to be supported by my parents to get me through college and grad school, I couldn’t be in an openly gay relationship. Had my parents divorced much earlier than they did (instead of the same year I got married to my now husband), and I was able to separate myself from their way of thinking sooner, then I might have felt comfortable coming out sooner. I think younger me still yearns for that, but it’s just not how it panned out. Radical acceptance has helped me greatly with that.

Nevertheless, as I say in my book, I found a partner who does accept this part of me and loves me unconditionally and certainly doesn’t judge me. Honestly, that’s all I need to feel safe in a relationship. The rest takes care of itself in my opinion.

So yeah, I’m sorry mom that I kept this hidden for almost 4 decades. But I’m more sorry to myself that I wasn’t able to live a huge part of my truth for so long. My book has been incredibly healing as she and more people have found out about this part of me. It is daunting but also freeing at the same time. Coming out later in life absolutely has its challenges, but I am grateful to be experiencing these challenges rather than still burying that side of me.

I *know* my ancestors are proud of me for that one.