I met him online. We pretty much instantly clicked. He was a truck driver, willing and eager to drop into my life. He was ready to come spend the night with my kids and me. I should have known this was the first red flag.

At first everyone liked and accepted him. We had this insatiable thirst for the patriach position in our family to be filled. And soon his guts started spilling out. He was an alcoholic, and also homeless when he was not driving the truck. I wanted nothing but love and consideration. I asked for bonding time, for honesty, for aspirations as “us”.

I was born of a raging demon father that despite all my efforts to not be like him, my DNA seemed to have recorded responses to life situations. There was so much uncertainty, back and forth, countless drop offs at the truck stops to try and protect my kids and my own heart from what I logically knew was toxic. Gaslighting led to second guessing my own parenting style and brutal arguments when he would threaten my sons for behavior he deemed unacceptable. Too long did I allow my little family to step on egg shells as to not start raging arguments. Years of verbal and emotional abuse ultimately led to physical abuse. Two women later and a child by one of them, he came home right after being with the other woman. And STILL… STILL my heart could not just LET GO! I offered to raise the child that was being considered to be aborted by its mother as my own. I offered to parent that child as my own. And yet he was hell bent on making me believe I wasn’t good enough for the task.

Lies, deceit, addiction to porn and weed, denial of how I had supported him financially throughout the years. I wouldn’t wish this relationship on anyone. It is the devil’s greatest work. Ultimately I had another child, a son that was ours, which he threatened and wished his death when he was in my belly… by his own father. And yet now he claims he wants time with him and loves him. I finally broke one day after he had thrown me through the shower doors in front of my six-year-old daughter. Just after he head butted me in the mouth and the cops came and said there was no evidence of such incident on his very large forehead.

It’s extremly devastating to see your hopes shattered right in front of your eyes. My truest intentions were to be a happy, healthy family, for my divorce to have not been in vain, to piece together a better family for my children and he couldn’t be farther from that dream. Not to mention the constant torment inside my head, trying to understand how we got to that level, did he ever really love me? Or was I just a pawn in his life?

His whole family gives him the cold shoulder. They used to tell me stories of his deceitful ways, yet to his face they were sweet as honey. Where else would he get his manipulative ways than from his own mother? I also discovered by talking to the mother of his first born child that all this toxic behavior had happened 13 years ago, when they were in a relationship. That was devastating because it was clear, solid evidence that this man would never change. There was no amount of love that I could ever give, no way to open his eyes to what a good life he could have had with our fanily as a healthy unit. I felt useless, helpless, destroyed.

I have had to deal with the grief of it all…of letting go..of accepting what I can not change. It is is NOT a linear process. Some days are harder than others. Some days I have this burning desire to pick up the phone and call him and say “I MISS YOU! I LOVE YOU! PLEASE, PLEASE BE A GOOD MAN. A GOOD PERSON. LETS WORK THIS THROUGH LIKE NORMAL PEOPLE.” But I know from 5 years worth of hell that he will never change his ways, or his thinking. I can not keep sinking my own ship for him. I can not stay locked into fight or flight – day, after month, after year of no progress. I might miss him all my life because I understand the little boy inside him that was abused. And I pray for that little boy one day to be safe, to be heard, to be healed. And I pray that the court system does get him to take abuser classes. Because then just maybe he can be a better father to my son in the future. I never want to experience this type of relationship ever again.